ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Swimming was a disaster - so frustrating as he swims so well at home but just cos im sat at the side of the pool instead of in the pool wiht it he just screams and screams Mummy Mummy Mummy over and over and over and over and over and over.. ended up in tears and i just cant cope with his extreme clinginess anymore - th eswim teachers are so good its just so hard as he is such an intelligent little boy, so funny and fantastic swimmer yet because he cant speak in a group or in participate in swimming because im there everyone thinks he cant speak or is dumb or cant swim - but he CAN and its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO incredibly frustrating i just cant handle it sometimes! SO many people come up to me and say 'Whats wrong with him" NOTHING he is just painfully clingy and clamps up in groups.. so frustrating! People say whats your name and he cant speak he just freezes so people look at me all sympathetic and think he is dumb and cant say his own name - it just gets me so down - he isnt stupid he can speak so well and i have the best conversations with him he simply cannot speak in a group and freezes and cannot function when he is seperated from me - even by a centremeter he cant cope - so instead his peers thing he is 'odd' and tend to ignore him and he is pushed out and no one plays with him because of it - and OMG it breaks my heart to watch all the other kids at swimming and playgroup and music class ignore him because he cannot join in and i see he wants too but he just cant - pretty much the same as me as a kid.. breaks my heart to see him going through the same as him - i get so sick of saying to people that there is NOTHING 'wrong' with him he is simply debilitated by extreme seperation anxiety and becomes frozen in group situations.. at home he can chat and sing songs and count to 50 and is starting to tell the time and is an amazing little swimmer and is so advanced in so many ways and well above average intelligence but once we leave the house he freezes and cannot speak or join in anything - so heartbreaking to see. I dont handle it well all the time, today i got so frustrated with it and burst into tears - i just see everyone thinking he cant swim or whatever actuvity we are doing but i know as soon as we are behind closed doors is fantastic! its just because of this debilitating thing he has inherited from me - and i really struggled at school because of it - almost passed out in class once i felt so ill but i just couldnt bring myself to raise my hand and say to the teacher i feel ill can i go to the nurse - so had to just sit there and feel ill all class its so sad when i remember it now.  I see Miles' peers ignoring him and not wanting to play with him as he is 'differnt' and it kills me.. so today i just burst into tears with it all and rang the health nurse for help - and of course couldnt speak becuase i was so sad and frustrated with it all - so anyway Jonathan had taken the day oof, was just meant to be a couple of hours but he saw what a state im in today and has taken off the entire day - bless him.  Anyway he spoke to the health nurse after i couldnt speak through the tears and she has referred us onto a Physc team in Hornsby - waiting on them calling us back with an appointment - honeslty i think ive spent all day in tears! i just feel so sorry him with his peers ignoring him and so frustrated that he cant speak or move even outside our 4 walls  - history repeating itself.. honestly some people should NEVER have kids i am one of them - feel SO SO SO SO bad that i have passed this hidious gene onto my lovely smart intelligent little boy - oh and there they tears go again!

x