guilt..

Been thinking about going back to the UK.  Been in the Australia for almost 10 yrs now.  I can't put my finger on why..

 I miss my family, i miss my old friends (i stink at making new friends and don't have many here in this country)

I feel incredible guilt for living so far away from my parents and in-laws so they can't spend time with thier grandchildren.

I feel incredible guilt that my children can't spend time with their grandparents/cousins/aunts uncles..

I love my house, i love the area we live in, i love the lifestyle we have here and know we canot have the same over there - so i am torn.

Whats better???

....to have a start again, with no jobs no home, in a small cold country the was hit hard by the global finance crisis - yet have all our family and friends eager to help out and be surrounded by them and their familiarity..

Or

....to have a big house and a pool in the back yard but not a sinlge person to share it with....

 ...to be lonely and miss everyone and feel so guilty and constantly field Miles' and soon to be Greta's questions about why can't they have a sleep over (cos we have no one they can sleep over with) why cant they have a birthday party (cos we have no one to invite) why can't we go see uncle paul or whoever (cos we have chosen to live at the other side of the globe so its near impossible to go see them)

So, I'm torn... whats the best? Lifestyle but unhappy V's not so great lifestlye but content and not lonley ?????

Jonathan doesn't know how to process this bombshell i dropped on him... im usually the happy one, i hate people who whinge and generally loose my temper with them pretty quickly - yet i find that i cant drag myself out of my own misery...

He works approx 8am - 9pm 5 days a week.. im home all the time by myself, except 30 mins on a minday for music class, 2 hours on a tuesday for playgroup and 2 hours on a wednesday for playgroup - the rest of the time its me and the kids alone... im lonely..

 i struggle to make new friends,

 i want old friends and family that i feel comfy with..

 i want my kids to do a painting and be so excited to have someone to show it to other than me - as i am the only one here all the time..

 i want to not have to do the dinner/bath and bed routine 5 nights a week..

i want Miles to ask to go see his grandma/uncle/aunt as he does countless times a day and for me to be able to say yes ok no problem i'll drive you over to their house - rather than spending an hour every day explaining that they live a 24 hour flight away. 

At some point he is going to ask why they live so far away, why did we take them away from everyone who loves them....I have no words for that - just guilt.

I will be back when im in a better mood - i dont recognise myelf like this - i hate myself like this....